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Although life can seem like it is going in a positive direction, there is always a cloud of dread and somberness. I have never really had any great luck in my life. Hell when I was born I was one of the first premature babies that hospital had that survived. So I guess that was luck or that was fates way of telling me that I was meant to do something with my life. Spending my life as a modern day gypsy aka military brat was not an easy road to go on. Never knowing how long I was going to be at a new school or not knowing if it would be worth it to try out for anything or even to make friends.

Elementary school was nice I actually only attended three elementary schools. So I did get time to make some friends although once I moved they stopped answering my letters and my phone calls. By middle school, I learned that it was easier to be an observer rather than a partaker in things. Started taking pictures and writing articles for the various school newpapers and yearbooks available along the way. In a period of four years, I never made any real friends. I ate lunch either by myself or with the teachers. I attended class but when group projects came up I always ended up doing all the work. It was during these four years that I learned that trusting people only lead to disappointment.

High school was not much better since all of the kids at my high school had gone to school with one another since kindergarten. I was like someone observing a fish bowl. My only solice in school was the yearbook, the newpaper, and the library. Because if I buried myself in these things, no one could hurt me or so I thought. I experienced things no one should ever have to experience. And I was never happier than the day I graduated because I thought that I would be able to actually become alive. But I was wrong. My one year of college was just like high school except that I am still paying for it.

After that year, I moved back home. The unrest at home finally exploded and I got kicked out. I then entered my homeless year. I lived in a park and sleeped in a bus terminal. During this year, I became so depressed that I tried on many occasions to find some peace. Although peace never came, I did repair the unrest between me and my family. I got a job and got an apartment. During that year I lived alone in my apartment, I had several brushes with death but none of them took me. I still have no idea how I survived the things I have survived. I got ink poisoning from where I was working and had to move back in with my parents. For some reason fate was keeping me alive. I lived at home for two more years before venturing back out into the world alone again.

I thought that I finally had my life on the right track. I had several great friends and I was dating this wonderful guy. Two years passed and I moved in with him. Everything was looking like it was finally working out. My future seemed like it was planned. Four years later, we were planning our wedding. Then it all changed when I got a jaw infection. I was slowly poisoning myself. I barely had the energy to go to work let alone anything else. During this time instead of standing strong by my side, he found refuge in the arms of another woman. I mean I have had relationships before that had ended up this way but none that I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. After the infection had gotten so bad that I couldn't function anymore. I went to the dentist and had to have emergency surgery to remove all of my teeth and part of my jaw. As I am recovering, he tells me he had been cheating on me with my best friend at the time. We break up but the plan was that I would have until the end of the year to get an apartment. Well that all changed when she told him that she couldn't deal with me living there. So they told me that I had to move and that I only had three days to do it in. Not knowing where I was going to go or not knowing how I was going to get to work; I had no choice but to see if I could take leave. My manager refused to give me leave. So I called my mother and told her the situation in which I had found myself. She rearranged her life so that I could move back in with them. I went to work and asked for a transfer and my manager refused to give me one. I had no choice then but to quit. So I moved in with my parents again and left behind my friends and the city. 10 months later, here I sit still no job, no friends, no place of my own, no car, no teeth and as far as my parents are concerned no real future.

Although my life has become so much of nothing, I still stay as optimistic that I can giving the circumstances. I just wish I knew what fate had in store for me. What am I meant to do? Why has fate kept me alive all of these years? Why do I have to continually face trials? What is my purpose? The only things I am really good at is coming up with ideas for fashion, music, movies, music videos, jewelry, and stuff.

The lessons I have learned the hard way have been: Trust no one it just leads to disappointment, Love only yourself-you can't get hurt that way, Learn from everything you do, Live as much as you can while you can, Laugh as often as possible-it can always be worse, and Fate has a plan-even though I have no clue what it is.

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