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You may not realize this, but I was born three months premature. I was ten and a half inches tall with a head about the size of a tennis ball, and weighed a stunning two pounds five ounces.  I had to stay in the hospital because I had to have surgery on my intestines, trachea (tracheotomy), and I had double hernias.  I was born with chronic lung disease, so therefore I was on oxygen for almost two years. I’ve learned to walk and talk at the age of four, and when I was about five, I was almost the average size of a three-year-old child.

When I was about thirteen years old, I was sexually assaulted by one of my foster brothers. He went to jail for three or four years and barely got a slap on the wrist for his crime.

I’ve struggled through school until the end of my freshman year of high school. I was in a severe car accident that left me with head trauma and a brain injury. This didn’t help my education at all… it just made things WAY worse. I have short term memory loss, and it takes me longer to catch on to things than normal people. The left side of my brain is permanently damaged and will never work the same way again. I do in fact excel in kinesthetic things like drawing and automotive. But for some strange reason, I cannot figure out how to play the bass guitar. I bought one, but I’ve only played it once. It’s a candy red, four-string fender jazz bass guitar. I guess I sort of temporarily gave up on it; at least until I can find someone who is patient and willing to teach me.

I watch my nephew four days a week for my sister who is a single mom while she goes to work. According to her, I’m the only one that she trusts to take care of him. Although I don’t earn very much money, I do in fact try my best to do as much I can for other people and I NEVER ask for anything in return. For example, in the past year or so, I bought lunch for a blind person, gave gift cards to random people on the street, I’ve sat down and listened to people who looked like they needed a friend, spent time at our veteran’s park with a Vietnam veteran, babysat a gym full of toddlers during parent-teacher conferences at my old elementary school, got certified in CPR and first aid, and restored two of my dad’s classic cars (1975 Corvette Macco,  and a 1986 Corvette Stingray.)

I’ve gotten my heart broken by countless people I’ve dated and loved; most of them in which treated me like I meant nothing to them. my first boyfriend’s name was Devin; he treated me as if i was stupid and couldn’t work on cars because I’m a girl and women aren’t supposed to do a “man’s job” and he told me that I had to stay home and cook, clean and take care of the family like a woman is supposed to do.

My second boyfriend’s name was Zach; he got involved in illegal drugs and gang activity. Zach had huge mood swings and would yell at me for nothing that I have done.

My third boyfriend was Kyle; he was really creepy by following me around everywhere and talking to me as if he were talking to an infant.

After I dated Kyle, Zach came back into my life four more times and begged me to forgive him and I fell for his little games again and again.

When Zach and I broke up for the fourth time; my friend Shauna decided to hook me up with one of her friends named Jon. Jon and I dated each other for almost two years. I loved him so much that I entrusted him with my innocence, but he took it for granted and cheated on me with whom I thought was my best friend, Karri. It’s been two years since we broke up and they are still seeing each other. It almost seems like they are rubbing their relationship in my face because every time they see me, they are instantly all over each other. I’ve lost almost ALL of my friends to Jon because he talked them into taking his side even though he cheated on me. The only friend I have left is Emily, and we’ve been friends for almost seventeen years now.

I cry myself to sleep every night wondering when the right man will come. I keep telling myself, “All I want in this world is to be loved unconditionally by a man who treats me right and will stand by my side no matter what. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but THIS is what I truly want. I don’t care about anything else. I just want to be loved.” Just this Thanksgiving, my brother asked me if I had a boyfriend or anyone special, and I told him, “No…” After that, I busted into tears and ran to my room and locked the door. A few minutes later, my sisters came knocking at my door asking me what was wrong, and I told them, “I wish I had a different answer than ‘No!’ I’m not happy crying myself to seep every night! And seeing everyone around me in a happy relationship just reminds me of how lonely and heartbroken I truly am! I don’t want to spend another year alone without a hand to hold and lips to kiss. I want a man to tell me that he loves me with all his heart and actually mean it. He needs to understand who I am and why I do the things that I do; and even though I may get frustrating at times, he will never lose his cool or give up on me. Because honestly, how much more does my heart have to break, and how many tears do I have to shed before the right one for me walks into my life and makes me smile???”

tokio hotel has helped me through all of this and i cant thank them enough... i really hope that they read this...

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Tags: hotel, tokio


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